I'm Having A Relapse

After complaining for the last two weeks to different people about Eminem's new album entitled “Relapse”, I decided this is a great subject to blog on. Normally, I don't give two shits, one fuck, or even half a god-damn about reviews or reviewers. The last time I read an accurate review of anything it was for the movie The Happening. Mark Walhberg’s prosthetic dick in "Boogie Nights" was more believable than the plot line in that movie. (No homo) I can sum The Happening up in three words: Do Not Watch. But I digress…

My complaints were not about Eminem’s album per say, but about the reaction it would garner from the media, reviewers, bloggers, commenters, etc. If you are a fan of music…shit, if you can hear at all, you can deduct that artists such as Lil’ Wayne, Cam’ron, Rick Ross, and those of that caliber, do not have the lyrical ability of Jay-Z, Eminem, Black Thought, just to name a few.

Typical Cam’ron line from the opening credits of House M.D.

“We in the house, lookin like Doogie Howser/Always lookin down, must be on downers”

You like how I used House’s name in the line while comparing him to another doctor from a tv series? Then I came back around, mentioned how he looks down when giving directions, and compared that to his use of Vicodin (a downer).

I have a list of three points that explains the problems with perception of quality music:

Point 1: Fuck Nahright. I have visited nahright.com 269 times in the last month. 269! Averaging out to around nine visits a day, I still think the site is garbage. There is too much bad music floating around on Eskay’s blog. Let me explain. On these rap blogs, I rarely see the top artists getting appreciated as there is too much hating and too much dick riding to stay sane. I’ll use "Nahright" as the prime example because they are the top hip-hop blog on the internet. Too many no name, talentless, fake, wack ass niggas are getting air time on the blog. The first person I blame is Dre. He’s one of the three moderators and the only one from the south, yet he limits his range to the typical hip-hop blog “must haves” and then he tosses in every Rick Ross song he can find and every other lame artist he personally stamps with a “Co-Sign” as the readers share his taste in horrible music. People like to hear a correctional officer rap about being the biggest drug kingpin in Miami. People believe Rick Ross. They really fucking do. But, if he really was the biggest kingpin, his fat ass would be lying dead in front of a mall like Dolla. 50 Cent already exposed Rick Ross, Louis Vuitton even sent a letter to XXL claiming that Officer Ricky wore counterfeit sunglasses on their magazine cover. Aside from the continuous flow of Red Café and Drake posts performing the same songs or with new horrible “Nahright/New Music Cartel Remixes”, I don’t really have any complaints about Eskay or Nation. I would go in and destroy the commenters on Nahright, but I think Joe Budden says it best.

Point 2: Fuck Music “Fans”. You motherfuckers think that Lil’ Wayne is the best rapper alive? Really? I will make this concession: he’s not the worse rapper alive. He doesn’t write his own lyrics evidenced by Young Money rappers openly claiming they have written songs for him (his assistant wrote "Prom Queen" and Drake admitted to doing a reference track). Want to know why Lil’ Wayne sounded much improved on Drake’s “So Far Gone”? It’s because Drake wrote Lil’ Wayne’s verses for him. A typical Wayne verse is a bunch of metaphors each line. Nobody cries for him to have more content. They are happy with him saying this “I'm on my feet like Tough Actin' Tinactin/I'm runnin' this shit, you should try tacklin”. That’s from a Rick Ross song entitled “Maybach Music 2”. Which in itself is an interesting title because out of T-Pain on the hook and Kanye and Wayne on the other two verses, Rick Ross is, ironically, the only one who can’t afford a Maybach. This song was and still is a hit. Today, all you need is a solid beat and a catchy hook, because the verses don’t matter. When there are lyrically superior verses on a track, nobody cares. If people wanted great verses then Lupe Fiasco’s The Cool would have sold millions. Instead, we get Soulja Boy literally rapping catch phrases all the way to the bank. People buy the shittiest music, support the least talented acts, and then get mad when I say I don’t listen to Lil’ Wayne. Or that I haven’t heard “that new song by [insert shitty artist]. It’s not just rap. It’s all music, especially pop music, and even more particularly "hip-pop" as I call it. Lil’ Wayne can make an entire song about using every drug known to man, but let anybody else do it and it’s all negative reviews.

Point 3: Fuck Critics. I’m not a journalist. I hate writing. I do know one thing though, it’s not a job of a reviewer to completely defecate on a record and turn around and praise garbage. I read one review from Sputnikmusic. Yeah, I don’t know who they are either, but they have the lowest review of “Relapse” on Metacritic. The beginning of his critique has a summary written by the author:

“Summary: It's about 10% as good as The Marshall Mathers LP, so how much did you enjoy that?”

10%? Where did you get that number? I will admit that Eminem’s second album is one of the best rap albums of all time. There are 15 tracks on “Relapse". I should only like 1.5 tracks on the new album right? I guess I could like half a song. This guy is a math genius. Too bad you can’t compare two objects like that. “Hey Bill do you like Kobe Bryant? Well you know he’s only 80% as good as Jordan." “Lebron is 104% better than Kobe." Would you go around describing people and objects like this? One commenter on his review said “I liked The Marshall Mathers LP 10% so that means I’ll like this one 1%." That’s not even the length of one song’s hook. Are you sure you want to follow this math whiz’s logic? Yes he could have been one of the astrophysicists helping the astronauts reach the Hubble Telescope, but he decided he was much more needed at Sputnikmusic writing music reviews.

I’m sorry jackass but your review completely undermines itself when you state “Dre’s verse on [Old Time’s Sake] however is up to his usual standards." For those who don’t know, Dr. Dre doesn't write his own rhymes. He never did. He’s a producer. All those verses you've heard him say were written by the top artists in the game, mainly by Eminem. Reviewers and critics like to think they are good at their job. Some are, some aren’t. Just like rap. If you already hate an artist, don’t write a review about them. I wouldn’t write a review about a Soulja Boy album. You don’t have to like an artist, but you can’t dismiss their work without giving them a fighting chance. I could never listen to a Soulja Boy song. He could make the best record ever and I still wouldn’t give it a listen. Which is exactly why you don’t see me listening and then reviewing his work. I automatically consider it trash and will openly say so.

"I'm like: fuck critics, you can kiss my whole asshole/If you don't like my lyrics, you can press fast forward..."

I'm not going to review the album for you. You should go and listen to it and decide for yourself who's right. Just ponder this...

In terms of greatness, what are you expecting from Eminem? If you’re expecting him to be the next Jordan, then say so. If you think he’s a starter who’s playing like a scrub, then admit it. If you think he’s a scrub who is getting starter minutes or even All-Star consideration, let’s hear it. If he’s too inconsistent with his material then let me know that, too.

This article was written without my swag being on.

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